Walking Wounded
Jan. 16th, 2008 11:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chronicpaintI've been struggling with my mood this week. Blue doesn't even cover it. I'm not sure if Holly Golightly's Mean Reds would even cover it.
It started with something so stupid. My date on Friday night was really fun. We talked for a good couple of hours and laughed and seemed to be interested in the same movies and such. There was no goodnight kiss, but there seemed to be enough to warrant at least hanging out again.
Saturday, I set out to spend the afternoon wandering. I needed to check at the Shoe Company. I'm in desperate need of new shoes, which I can't really afford. Well, I went out to Queen West to check the Silver Snail and HMV, then headed up to Yonge and Bloor. The turning point was when when the pair of shoes I wanted, that I had checked on their website, turned out not to work for me. Underneath the laces, the tongue was elasticized, so I couldn't get them on my feet. And the only other pair I liked that I could afford (i.e. dirt cheap) they didn't have in my size. Everything else was too expensive for my budget. It seems like such a stupid, minor little thing. By the time I got home, the chills of the impending flu had set in, probably made worse by the walking I had done (because my left leg is shorter, when I walk, it causes tension on my pelvis and lower back)
Even as the bug ebbed, my mood didn't come back.
The inability to find shoes, which I can't really afford anyway, is bugging me. I have a bit of money stashed, but I'm trying not to use it. And I start thinking of the things I need: a new mattress, a chair to replace the love seat that I don't actually own and will need to go back to its owner, a new pair of glasses. And my meagre savings doesn't even cut it.
And I left a few messages on 411 for Glenn, the guy from Friday and then emailed him and have received no response. Why do the whole "Wow, I could talk to you for hours; Let's do this again real soon" song and dance if you're just going to disappear??? But really, in this mood, I can't blame him. Why would anyone want to date a mess like me??? I have no money, never traveled anywhere significant. I can't even afford a pair of fucking shoes. I'm in a shitty, dead end job that doesn't even pay what comparable shitty dead end jobs do. What do I have to offer??????
I know, in my head, that I'm doing better than many. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, friends. But it seems to stop somewhere before it gets to my gut and my heart.
I find myself wondering what I fought for. Did I survive for THIS?? Did I endure the pain and the sickness and the abject terror to end up this person??
And I hate that I feel this way. Hate it with every fibre of my being. I want to smile and laugh again. I want to value what I have, how lucky I am and not feel like every moment is some kind of travesty or mockery of what a real, fulfilled life is.
I know that it will pass. That something nice will happen, someone I love will do or say something to ease it and the light will shine in. I'm hangin' off the cliff face, but my fingernails are dug in tight. That part, is at least something I'm used to.
It started with something so stupid. My date on Friday night was really fun. We talked for a good couple of hours and laughed and seemed to be interested in the same movies and such. There was no goodnight kiss, but there seemed to be enough to warrant at least hanging out again.
Saturday, I set out to spend the afternoon wandering. I needed to check at the Shoe Company. I'm in desperate need of new shoes, which I can't really afford. Well, I went out to Queen West to check the Silver Snail and HMV, then headed up to Yonge and Bloor. The turning point was when when the pair of shoes I wanted, that I had checked on their website, turned out not to work for me. Underneath the laces, the tongue was elasticized, so I couldn't get them on my feet. And the only other pair I liked that I could afford (i.e. dirt cheap) they didn't have in my size. Everything else was too expensive for my budget. It seems like such a stupid, minor little thing. By the time I got home, the chills of the impending flu had set in, probably made worse by the walking I had done (because my left leg is shorter, when I walk, it causes tension on my pelvis and lower back)
Even as the bug ebbed, my mood didn't come back.
The inability to find shoes, which I can't really afford anyway, is bugging me. I have a bit of money stashed, but I'm trying not to use it. And I start thinking of the things I need: a new mattress, a chair to replace the love seat that I don't actually own and will need to go back to its owner, a new pair of glasses. And my meagre savings doesn't even cut it.
And I left a few messages on 411 for Glenn, the guy from Friday and then emailed him and have received no response. Why do the whole "Wow, I could talk to you for hours; Let's do this again real soon" song and dance if you're just going to disappear??? But really, in this mood, I can't blame him. Why would anyone want to date a mess like me??? I have no money, never traveled anywhere significant. I can't even afford a pair of fucking shoes. I'm in a shitty, dead end job that doesn't even pay what comparable shitty dead end jobs do. What do I have to offer??????
I know, in my head, that I'm doing better than many. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, friends. But it seems to stop somewhere before it gets to my gut and my heart.
I find myself wondering what I fought for. Did I survive for THIS?? Did I endure the pain and the sickness and the abject terror to end up this person??
And I hate that I feel this way. Hate it with every fibre of my being. I want to smile and laugh again. I want to value what I have, how lucky I am and not feel like every moment is some kind of travesty or mockery of what a real, fulfilled life is.
I know that it will pass. That something nice will happen, someone I love will do or say something to ease it and the light will shine in. I'm hangin' off the cliff face, but my fingernails are dug in tight. That part, is at least something I'm used to.
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no subject
on 2008-01-16 07:20 pm (UTC)Take a deep breath. And as for the guy from your date, maybe he's having an insane week or something. Just step back for a while.
no subject
on 2008-01-16 08:10 pm (UTC)I did manage to find shoes today on my lunch break :)
no subject
on 2008-01-16 09:12 pm (UTC)Stephen you know that the body can only work on a few attacks to it at a time. This nasty, nasty bug/cold/virus/typhoid/boolaboola/plague is a doosie. Trying to fight it off means all those chemicals floating around in your blood stream cause the brain to start mis-firing creating thoughts that get you spinning out of control. If you were at Fly on the dance floor, we'd all just think you were rolling on XTC! ;-) Nobody knows what's going on with Mr. Friday night, but Mr. Friday night, but if he's having a week like nearly everyone I've talked to this week then he's crazy-busy. Either way, it's certainly not about you.
You are an incredible person. You have a grin and look that could melt Toronto petrified snow banks. Your artistic talents are incredible - your ability to make your vision come to life on canvas is enviable to so many. Your loyalty and dedication to friends is cherished. Your will power and personal strength are admirable. Your insight into life is very wise and thought provoking. I must say your choice in shoes pretty much sucks whether you paid $20 or $120 for them. I'm just sayin'. But I digress....
Please never loose sight of all those wonderful traits you have - if they give you a great feeling inside yourself as they do for others then those bummer thoughts will fade away quickly.
no subject
on 2008-01-16 09:20 pm (UTC)Now take back that comment about my shoes, bitch
I must say your choice in shoes pretty much sucks whether you paid $20 or $120 for them. I'm just sa
on 2008-01-17 01:08 am (UTC)The cold/plague thing sucks stephen...I've had it off and on for a couple of weeks...that combined with grey damp january weather is a soul ripper...but also having to cope with Mason...OY VAY...lose mason...life will improve by leaps and bounds and the rest will seem tame....
Re: I must say your choice in shoes pretty much sucks whether you paid $20 or $120 for them. I'm jus
on 2008-01-17 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-16 11:34 pm (UTC)However.
TWO STORIES SOLD THIS YEAR. Well, technically last year, but TWO STORIES WILL BE IN TWO BOOKS THIS YEAR.
Also, you have shoes now. Yay, shoes!
I hope this mood goes the fuck away for you soon, because said mood is of the suck.
no subject
on 2008-01-17 03:37 am (UTC)And you're right, the stories are awesomeness.
I feel better tonight. Some good support from friends, writing with CAM tonight and started a new story.
And heard from the guy too.
good
on 2008-01-17 03:44 am (UTC)I find that if I can get the writing to work, it goes a long way to alleviating whatever mood I'm having.
Re: good
on 2008-01-17 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-17 12:50 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-17 03:39 am (UTC)Though I need to break them in a bit more
no subject
on 2008-01-17 01:35 am (UTC)Y'know I think you're pretty great and one hell of an artiste! I actually admire you quite a bit. :) I think anyone would be incredibly lucky to have a partner like you.
As a side note...even though I was thrilled with my date with Jud when we first met, I managed not to return his call him back for a whole week because life was insane! Not saying that's the case here but you never know! ^^
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on 2008-01-17 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-17 04:58 am (UTC)(ok... that was bad... I'm even ashamed of myself ... a little)
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on 2008-01-17 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-17 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2008-01-23 05:58 pm (UTC)And... yer great! :D
no subject
on 2008-01-23 07:29 pm (UTC)