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chronicpaintI heard this on Secret Diary of a Call Girl tonight and had to Google Fu to find out who it was. Ever had one of those songs that goes right through you, the touches some place in you that you weren't sure was even there?
No real video, just the song. Adventures in Solitude by the New Pornographers
Balancing on
One wounded wing
Circling the edge
Of the neverending
The best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door
More than begin
But less than forget
But spirits born
From the not happened yet
Gathering there
To pay off a debt brought back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
Welcome back
Sleeping for years
Pick through what is left
Through the pieces that fell and rose from the depth
From the rainwater well
Deep as a secret nobody knows
Less than forget
But more than begun
These adventures in solitude never done
To the names of our rooms (?)
We send the same blood back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
It will all come back
I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that it's comin' at a bad time
Some cold place
Heartless ways
For all we know
I know you need to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's comin' at a bad time
Tangled day
For all we know
I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that's comin' at a bad time
Some cold race
Heartless ways
For all we know
I know you want to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's comin' at a bad time
Old scarred face
Survivor's guilt
For all we know
I am coming up on the five year anniversary of the last time I went into surgery to remove cancer from my body. It's the most pivotal day since I was diagnosed, because on that day, the day that marks five years clear of cancer, I am officially cured. I'm hosting as many of my Toronto peeps (and any peeps who can get here) for a party. Can't think of a better day to celebrate.
When I listened to the whole song, I cried. I feel so much. Absolute, transcendant joy. Echoes of so much pain and betrayal and struggle. Uncertainty about what comes next and how I deal with it. A constant, crazy tilt of the scales measuring gain and loss. And, yes, guilt that I survived where so many others didn't.
I have no idea why I'm here, why I made it. I'm not sure I know what it means to be alive, to have survived. What I should do with these days, this borrowed time, this gravy on top, this sweet syrup running down the sides of the glass. I'm finally letting go of that terror that the other shoe was going to drop and I'd be back in the hospital with another hole in my body, another dose of poison running through my veins.
Pretty much everyone at my party won't have even known me when I was in treatment, in and out of the wild gravitational orbit of doctors and nurses. They will have seen nothing of what I did, how I survived, how I hung on in ways even I can't fathom. But they're here now, and I'm glad.
I wonder if I'll fall apart without this. I'm not sure I know how to put it down.
Stick close. I may need you now even more.
Oh, and anyone who is here that I haven't invited via Facebook or email, let me know. You are welcome to come. And if you're somewhere else and can get here, there's room for you too
No real video, just the song. Adventures in Solitude by the New Pornographers
Balancing on
One wounded wing
Circling the edge
Of the neverending
The best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door
More than begin
But less than forget
But spirits born
From the not happened yet
Gathering there
To pay off a debt brought back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
Welcome back
Sleeping for years
Pick through what is left
Through the pieces that fell and rose from the depth
From the rainwater well
Deep as a secret nobody knows
Less than forget
But more than begun
These adventures in solitude never done
To the names of our rooms (?)
We send the same blood back from the wars
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
It will all come back
I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that it's comin' at a bad time
Some cold place
Heartless ways
For all we know
I know you need to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's comin' at a bad time
Tangled day
For all we know
I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that's comin' at a bad time
Some cold race
Heartless ways
For all we know
I know you want to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's comin' at a bad time
Old scarred face
Survivor's guilt
For all we know
I am coming up on the five year anniversary of the last time I went into surgery to remove cancer from my body. It's the most pivotal day since I was diagnosed, because on that day, the day that marks five years clear of cancer, I am officially cured. I'm hosting as many of my Toronto peeps (and any peeps who can get here) for a party. Can't think of a better day to celebrate.
When I listened to the whole song, I cried. I feel so much. Absolute, transcendant joy. Echoes of so much pain and betrayal and struggle. Uncertainty about what comes next and how I deal with it. A constant, crazy tilt of the scales measuring gain and loss. And, yes, guilt that I survived where so many others didn't.
I have no idea why I'm here, why I made it. I'm not sure I know what it means to be alive, to have survived. What I should do with these days, this borrowed time, this gravy on top, this sweet syrup running down the sides of the glass. I'm finally letting go of that terror that the other shoe was going to drop and I'd be back in the hospital with another hole in my body, another dose of poison running through my veins.
Pretty much everyone at my party won't have even known me when I was in treatment, in and out of the wild gravitational orbit of doctors and nurses. They will have seen nothing of what I did, how I survived, how I hung on in ways even I can't fathom. But they're here now, and I'm glad.
I wonder if I'll fall apart without this. I'm not sure I know how to put it down.
Stick close. I may need you now even more.
Oh, and anyone who is here that I haven't invited via Facebook or email, let me know. You are welcome to come. And if you're somewhere else and can get here, there's room for you too
