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chronicpaintSo, I saw Marriedman again tonight. And the... activities were every bit as good as the first time. He's a pretty cool guy, despite the overcomplicated situation. There's great chemistry there.
But it's done. In my head, where the only really important sexual circuit breakers reside, the end has come. There was a moment, a fraction of time when the switch clicked to "off"
He'll never love me. Which is actually fine, because I'll never love him either. I walked up to that brink of giving myself over to it and then, when the time came to step over that line, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to myself. He will stay with his family, for his own reasons, and if my instincts are right, try to be the best man he an be in that situation.
And that's not enough for me. I could have let myself go over that precipice and pine, but in the end, I want it all. I want someone who is with me and for whom that is enough. When I date someone, when I give myself to someone in that way, there has to be at least the possibility that this might be it, might be the one who will burn for me, want me above all else. Even if I'm just playing, then it needs to be someone I would at least consider the possibility of going further with. If I don't feel that, at the very least we could look at each other and admit that the romantic spark isn't there and decide to just hang out and go to a movie, then I'd rather curl up with a book.
If I'm with Mister He'll Do For Now, then I won't be available for the guy that could sweep me off my feet (which is not all that difficult a task with one bum leg and a crutch) Deep down, I want to wait for the person who makes my remaining knee weak. And who I do that to as well.
It's the same deal with friends. I expect a lot, and give a lot of that in return.
Sometimes you need to find what you don't want, just to remind you of what you do want. To remind you of what you aren't willing to settle for.
But it's done. In my head, where the only really important sexual circuit breakers reside, the end has come. There was a moment, a fraction of time when the switch clicked to "off"
He'll never love me. Which is actually fine, because I'll never love him either. I walked up to that brink of giving myself over to it and then, when the time came to step over that line, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to myself. He will stay with his family, for his own reasons, and if my instincts are right, try to be the best man he an be in that situation.
And that's not enough for me. I could have let myself go over that precipice and pine, but in the end, I want it all. I want someone who is with me and for whom that is enough. When I date someone, when I give myself to someone in that way, there has to be at least the possibility that this might be it, might be the one who will burn for me, want me above all else. Even if I'm just playing, then it needs to be someone I would at least consider the possibility of going further with. If I don't feel that, at the very least we could look at each other and admit that the romantic spark isn't there and decide to just hang out and go to a movie, then I'd rather curl up with a book.
If I'm with Mister He'll Do For Now, then I won't be available for the guy that could sweep me off my feet (which is not all that difficult a task with one bum leg and a crutch) Deep down, I want to wait for the person who makes my remaining knee weak. And who I do that to as well.
It's the same deal with friends. I expect a lot, and give a lot of that in return.
Sometimes you need to find what you don't want, just to remind you of what you do want. To remind you of what you aren't willing to settle for.
