Overload

It's one of those days when I just feel overwhelmed, like the light is too bright and hurts my eyes. It's been this crazy, intense week, full of so much emotion and such a journey.

Start with the anxiety over taking the pictures and then the pictures themselves (which I've already chronicled my reactions to in detail)

The reactions were amazing and loving and intense, flowing through me like electricity. Then it all stopped. No more comments or reaction. And let me tell you, that shiz is like CRACK. Cold turkey is not fun ;)

But for all the intensity (and the realization that my dick is now all over the internet) I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

Then, on Wednesday, I got this message online from a guy I had been chatting with and was planning to get together with. We had made a plan to get together last night to talk about paintings (he wants art for his new space and loves my stuff) and mess around. But Wednesday night, he sends me this message and asks what I'm doing because he has this intense desire to cuddle with me. And let me tell you, that was the right thing to say. He came over and there was cuddling. As well as other things ;)  Felt an intense and immediate connection to him. He's a physio assistant and involved in disability issues. And he's frikkin hot. Felt that rare spark of "this could be something"

We exchanged email after he got home and he told me I was amazing and thanked me for letting him in.

We met again last night as originally planned, but he was super late due to falling asleep and an important call, but we had a glass of wine and we talked. The call had been with a lesbian he knew and it was about talks they had been in about having a child together.

And the bottom fell out.

I've never wanted children. Well, maybe for a nanosecond, but then it passed. It's a major achievement that the bamboo on my desk at work hasn't died. I can't see myself as parent material. I had always pretty much thought of it as a deal breaker.

But we had a great evening and we both want to see each other again. So, a day at a time then, and let the rest take care of its self.

Today, I just feel tired and overstimulated and ready to crawl under a blanket for the weekend.

I remembered this morning that this is the time, three years ago, when I found out my mother was dying.

How come emotions don't come with an off switch???   Bad planning, that's what I say

I know I will be fine, I just need to unplug a bit and relax. I have discs of The New Avengers and Mary Tyler Moore, so the brain candy requirement is fulfilled. I also have wine and amaretto, depending on what I feel like drinking ;)  

And I plan on painting this weekend. Expect pictures.

Have a good weekend, all

Overload

It's one of those days when I just feel overwhelmed, like the light is too bright and hurts my eyes. It's been this crazy, intense week, full of so much emotion and such a journey.

Start with the anxiety over taking the pictures and then the pictures themselves (which I've already chronicled my reactions to in detail)

The reactions were amazing and loving and intense, flowing through me like electricity. Then it all stopped. No more comments or reaction. And let me tell you, that shiz is like CRACK. Cold turkey is not fun ;)

But for all the intensity (and the realization that my dick is now all over the internet) I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

Then, on Wednesday, I got this message online from a guy I had been chatting with and was planning to get together with. We had made a plan to get together last night to talk about paintings (he wants art for his new space and loves my stuff) and mess around. But Wednesday night, he sends me this message and asks what I'm doing because he has this intense desire to cuddle with me. And let me tell you, that was the right thing to say. He came over and there was cuddling. As well as other things ;)  Felt an intense and immediate connection to him. He's a physio assistant and involved in disability issues. And he's frikkin hot. Felt that rare spark of "this could be something"

We exchanged email after he got home and he told me I was amazing and thanked me for letting him in.

We met again last night as originally planned, but he was super late due to falling asleep and an important call, but we had a glass of wine and we talked. The call had been with a lesbian he knew and it was about talks they had been in about having a child together.

And the bottom fell out.

I've never wanted children. Well, maybe for a nanosecond, but then it passed. It's a major achievement that the bamboo on my desk at work hasn't died. I can't see myself as parent material. I had always pretty much thought of it as a deal breaker.

But we had a great evening and we both want to see each other again. So, a day at a time then, and let the rest take care of its self.

Today, I just feel tired and overstimulated and ready to crawl under a blanket for the weekend.

I remembered this morning that this is the time, three years ago, when I found out my mother was dying.

How come emotions don't come with an off switch???   Bad planning, that's what I say

I know I will be fine, I just need to unplug a bit and relax. I have discs of The New Avengers and Mary Tyler Moore, so the brain candy requirement is fulfilled. I also have wine and amaretto, depending on what I feel like drinking ;)  

And I plan on painting this weekend. Expect pictures.

Have a good weekend, all

To the recently added friends

I have what I call my TMI filter, which so far is only the odd post here and there about more intimate stuff, like sex and dating and things I don't want the world in general to know.

If you have any interest in being added to the filter, let me know.

Then, if I have hot sex, you can read about it LOL

To the recently added friends

I have what I call my TMI filter, which so far is only the odd post here and there about more intimate stuff, like sex and dating and things I don't want the world in general to know.

If you have any interest in being added to the filter, let me know.

Then, if I have hot sex, you can read about it LOL

My word

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

My word

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

Crikey

 Having invited some of my new LJ friends to partake of my TMI filter and being invited on to theirs in return, I say this: You are going to find me so dull. I think we're playing in completely different ballparks. 

It's easy to forget that, while talking about somebody I had sex with is out there for me, there is so much I don't partake in. It just isn't me. As I said to one person earlier today, part of this is my relationship to pain. I was never much for mixing sex with pain anyway, but one of the prime characteristics of my experience with cancer was pain. Chemo makes you sick and ugly, but mine wasn't painful. Neither was the radiation. 

But the surgeries. Cutting through bone and muscle and flesh hurts, like I can't begin to describe. When they were done with my leg, the joint was gone and everything was held together with well over a hundred staples. When I got out of the brace three months later, the leg was so frozen, it wouldn't bend and a good chunk of my physio consisted of me with my physio taking hold and forcing it to bend. Several times a day for four months. 

When they cut through my back for the last lung surgery, it took an epidural AND oxycontin before it was bearable. 

I can't conceive of actually seeking out pain. 

But know that any differences we have will never affect how I think of you or change my respect for you. My path isn't your path, and neither is better or worse than the other. 

All I ask is don't tease me for how dull I am  ;)

Crikey

 Having invited some of my new LJ friends to partake of my TMI filter and being invited on to theirs in return, I say this: You are going to find me so dull. I think we're playing in completely different ballparks. 

It's easy to forget that, while talking about somebody I had sex with is out there for me, there is so much I don't partake in. It just isn't me. As I said to one person earlier today, part of this is my relationship to pain. I was never much for mixing sex with pain anyway, but one of the prime characteristics of my experience with cancer was pain. Chemo makes you sick and ugly, but mine wasn't painful. Neither was the radiation. 

But the surgeries. Cutting through bone and muscle and flesh hurts, like I can't begin to describe. When they were done with my leg, the joint was gone and everything was held together with well over a hundred staples. When I got out of the brace three months later, the leg was so frozen, it wouldn't bend and a good chunk of my physio consisted of me with my physio taking hold and forcing it to bend. Several times a day for four months. 

When they cut through my back for the last lung surgery, it took an epidural AND oxycontin before it was bearable. 

I can't conceive of actually seeking out pain. 

But know that any differences we have will never affect how I think of you or change my respect for you. My path isn't your path, and neither is better or worse than the other. 

All I ask is don't tease me for how dull I am  ;)