Overload

[chronicpaint]

It's one of those days when I just feel overwhelmed, like the light is too bright and hurts my eyes. It's been this crazy, intense week, full of so much emotion and such a journey.

Start with the anxiety over taking the pictures and then the pictures themselves (which I've already chronicled my reactions to in detail)

The reactions were amazing and loving and intense, flowing through me like electricity. Then it all stopped. No more comments or reaction. And let me tell you, that shiz is like CRACK. Cold turkey is not fun ;)

But for all the intensity (and the realization that my dick is now all over the internet) I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

Then, on Wednesday, I got this message online from a guy I had been chatting with and was planning to get together with. We had made a plan to get together last night to talk about paintings (he wants art for his new space and loves my stuff) and mess around. But Wednesday night, he sends me this message and asks what I'm doing because he has this intense desire to cuddle with me. And let me tell you, that was the right thing to say. He came over and there was cuddling. As well as other things ;)  Felt an intense and immediate connection to him. He's a physio assistant and involved in disability issues. And he's frikkin hot. Felt that rare spark of "this could be something"

We exchanged email after he got home and he told me I was amazing and thanked me for letting him in.

We met again last night as originally planned, but he was super late due to falling asleep and an important call, but we had a glass of wine and we talked. The call had been with a lesbian he knew and it was about talks they had been in about having a child together.

And the bottom fell out.

I've never wanted children. Well, maybe for a nanosecond, but then it passed. It's a major achievement that the bamboo on my desk at work hasn't died. I can't see myself as parent material. I had always pretty much thought of it as a deal breaker.

But we had a great evening and we both want to see each other again. So, a day at a time then, and let the rest take care of its self.

Today, I just feel tired and overstimulated and ready to crawl under a blanket for the weekend.

I remembered this morning that this is the time, three years ago, when I found out my mother was dying.

How come emotions don't come with an off switch???   Bad planning, that's what I say

I know I will be fine, I just need to unplug a bit and relax. I have discs of The New Avengers and Mary Tyler Moore, so the brain candy requirement is fulfilled. I also have wine and amaretto, depending on what I feel like drinking ;)  

And I plan on painting this weekend. Expect pictures.

Have a good weekend, all

Comments

[jawnbc]

Why can't he have a kid, even if you don't want one?

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I know. But he really wants fifty fifty, co-parenting. Which means, if this led anywhere, that would be part of my life too.

Which, I know, is silly to even think about since we've had exactly two dates :)

[chibi-masshuu.livejournal.com]

And again it was them talking about it. There are a lot of hurdles in the process and from what I understand and in the end a lot of people wave off. I would definitely keep in touch with him cause it sounds like you really dig him and no reason to run off early when it may amount to nothing. (I speak of the baby making.)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah, for sure :)

And from what he was saying to me, this particular situation with this woman is falling apart.

I'm not making any decisions beyond wanting to spend more time with him

[chibi-masshuu.livejournal.com]

Cuddle while the cuddling is good and with any luck the cuddles will last and last.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Oh, I plan to!

[jawnbc]

Well when I met querrelle I was resolute about one thing: not living in Australia (where we met). I ended giving it a go. Eventually we moved here though.

Follow where the universe leads you truthfully and passionately...especially if he's hawt!

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm not assuming anything one way or the other. Just going to enjoy what it is

[jawnbc]

enjoy the ride ;)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Oh, I plan to ;)

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

How aboiut wine AND amaretto? Although not at the same time.

Have a great weekend. And keep warm!

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Wine and Amaretto in turn! :) I like the way you think!

Thanks, Rob. You have a good weekend too!! Big hugs

[gryphons-hole.livejournal.com]

And let me tell you, that shiz is like CRACK.
Boy, howdy! I suffer performance anxiety on LJ on a regular basis.

I haven't even had the nanosecond of desire to sire children. In fact I have known I have no business being a parent since thirteen years of age, My outer sexuality didn't surface until nineteen.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I like reading your stuff. I'm glad we connected

Though, is the naughtiness behind a filter? I can't read it ;)

[gryphons-hole.livejournal.com]

Fixed. The filters are new, I always forget about them when adding folks. They may go away again. Such a bother, I mean, really, I have it marks as such behind a cut... I get tired of seeming the good little boy and keeping up such appearances...

FYI, my whole blog had been taken to private sometime back last year. I am slowly reopening them. I have started with most the naughty bits.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I'll add you to mine as well. I don't post naughty stuff often, as not a lot of naughty stuff happens to me, but I'm working on being more open this year. In a filtered sort of way ;)

[gryphons-hole.livejournal.com]

Funny thing for me, I am inherently open about my life. It isn't until i look around and see everyone closed off that I get confused and start to second-guess...

I am currently working to stop the second-guessing and return to naturally open.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I have always played things very close to the vest, kept many things to myself.

Comes from hiding who I was when I was growing up, I think.

[gryphons-hole.livejournal.com]

I never hid anything, I think, not in that way... Of course, most the world has known things about me before I have gained any such understanding...

I'm slow in a very fast kinda way. LOL

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

And there's nothing wrong with that :)

I appreciate your openness and will look to you as an example

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Crying kids, begging for your attention all the time, no thanks and it has nothing to do w/ being gay, just that's how I am and what gets me more than anything are the parents that don't shut the little rats up while in the store. That happened at IKEA last weekend and I soooo wanted to find them, tell the parents up for letting the kid scream his head off and it kept up every now and then, now whether the same people, I don't know but geez...

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Sounds pretty much like my feelings on the matter. I am way too old to start changing diapers

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Now if it's someonelse's kid on occasion, that's one thing, but not daily. :-)

And that's what's best about being an uncle! LOL.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Just get em sugared up and hyper and give em back ;)

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Just breathe.
Make some art...chat on the phone...cuddle...
And breathe...

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mark. :) I plan to.

You are awesome, my friend. Wish we could hang out

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Me too - I believe we could be a force to reckon with! :)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

No one would be safe ;)

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Indeed...bwahahahahahah! *wringing hands a la mad scientist-type*

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

See, this why I like you so much :) That and the pictures you send me ;)

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Yeah...I need to do some more of those - that shit was like Cabbage Patch Dolls in the 80's - everyone wanted one! Makes a guy feel kinda sexy :)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Um, you ARE sexy :) And keep me in the loop if there are more ;)

Hmmm, I have a couple of other interesting ones I can send you too ;) Email me to remind me

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Thanks...I don't always feel that way, but I do lately. LOL

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Well, you will always have me to remind you.

And I know the feeling. I'm not sure I've ever felt that way. Though Monday after the pics went up was pretty close ;)

[mark-monroe.livejournal.com]

Validation. Let me give you it.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I look at those pictures, with all my flaws: the pudge and the scars, and I see how beautiful the pictures are. And part of that is me, who I am and the fact that they are true

[delmarmar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no children please. I have enough trouble raising myself!

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Exactly!!!!

[delmarmar.livejournal.com]

Oh, I do seem to not have any trouble raising Cain, though.

;-)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I have no trouble believing that ;)

[men-in-full.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it works better to just hang in there without "picking out drapes," as the saying goes, and see how you like each other once you come to know each other better.

It really *is* disorienting when the comments stop. I wrote one post last May or so called "Love Letter to a Fat Man" (written to my husband, in response to an ignorant news article about what a great thing it would be if "they" could just "eliminate obesity altogether." Because you can't "eliminate obesity" without getting rid of fat people.) It got picked up by a popular blogger and the response floored me. Then of course it was over, and I also had a bit of "post-performance letdown." Some of the commenters have stuck around, though, and I've gotten to know them a bit better through their LJs.

It's like any adrenaline rush, IOW.

Also, keep in mind that once people "find" you, and like what you write, they often do keep reading, even though they don't comment. But then three months later they might say, "Yeah, back when you wrote about such-and-such ..." and you realize they had been reading all along.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

You are right. I'm really glad for the influx of people here reading

[scunnerred.livejournal.com]

That is some week. Hope your weekend is soothing. :)

Amaretto with lots of ice, soda water and a couple of slices of lemon is my delicious recommendation.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm. Very yummy. Must try

[eumelosdrizzle.livejournal.com]

Go with the flow my friend, and see where it leads you. :)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I've gotten much better at tuning out the noise in my head