Of boys and bygones

On Friday, I had to stop at the art supply store to pick up some canvases to do paintings for two birthday gifts (pictures later) and when I was waiting for the streetcar to come home, there was this guy waiting for the streetcar. About my height, bit of a belly, with these amazing auburn muttonchops sideburns (I'm almost as much of a sideburn slut as I am a goatee slut)  He also had these beautiful blue eyes. He looked like some straight, young artsy type. He might have looked at me and smiled, I'm not sure, He also had the most amazing camera bag, Black with big patches of leopard print on it. I almost said something to him about it because it was so awesome. But I didn't.  And when he got off at University, I thought I saw him sideways glance at me.

Once upon a time, I would have been bolder about saying something to him. The old me was the type that left his number for hot waiters in restaurants. My friend, Gordon, would say it was part of the "damn it" mask I so often wore. As in "yes, I'm gay, damn it, so what?"  "Yes, I dress different, damn it, what about it?"  I had this shield about me, like I expected to be judged or mocked and so I made a point of being different and brazen about it.

Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I'm more afraid to put myself out there and be brazen. I've noticed that I still smile at people I don't know, but now I look away before I can see whether they smile back or snob me out. It's a habit I want and need to break, for my own peace of mind. It's hard, though. It took root when I wasn't looking and now is deeply embedded.

It's not that I'm horribly depressed about it. Like anything, I've gained as much as I've lost over the years. I've shed a lot of the "damn it" mask over the years and grown more comfortable in my skin in some ways, just as I've become less so in other ways. Pluses and minuses, checks and balances. That's just life.

But those little things, that ability to pay a stranger a genuine compliment, to express interest without being scared, is something I'd like to get back.

As for other men falling into glancing orbits around me, there's the manager or head merchandiser or whatever he is at the Shopper's on the corner. We had exchanged a word or two here or there and then all of a sudden, he's gotten all friendly and he always smiles when he sees me and we chat a little bit. I have not idea if he knows the endless, lewd things I want to do to him. Is he nice because he doesn't know? Or because he does? I've never been subtle in my interest in men. At least I don't think I have. It's that minefield of not knowing what to say or do next, because my judgement is so often terrible when I'm attracted to someone. So, I just say hello and make small talk.

I wonder if I seem confident and so men wait for me to make the first move?

There's one other one too. I saw him in my neighbourhood a couple of weeks ago and we smiled and said hello. There was definite spark there and I actually felt it from him. Then I saw him at the Second Cup during writing group and we exchanged a few sentences of greeting. And as he left, he made a point of turning to catch my eye and say goodbye. Again, I should have seized the opportunity to get up and say something and get a number or give mine or something. It's not like Colleen or D.J, wouldn't have urged me on. So, I'll wait for another chance meeting and plan to jump at the chance.

I might even take it this time 

Of boys and bygones

On Friday, I had to stop at the art supply store to pick up some canvases to do paintings for two birthday gifts (pictures later) and when I was waiting for the streetcar to come home, there was this guy waiting for the streetcar. About my height, bit of a belly, with these amazing auburn muttonchops sideburns (I'm almost as much of a sideburn slut as I am a goatee slut)  He also had these beautiful blue eyes. He looked like some straight, young artsy type. He might have looked at me and smiled, I'm not sure, He also had the most amazing camera bag, Black with big patches of leopard print on it. I almost said something to him about it because it was so awesome. But I didn't.  And when he got off at University, I thought I saw him sideways glance at me.

Once upon a time, I would have been bolder about saying something to him. The old me was the type that left his number for hot waiters in restaurants. My friend, Gordon, would say it was part of the "damn it" mask I so often wore. As in "yes, I'm gay, damn it, so what?"  "Yes, I dress different, damn it, what about it?"  I had this shield about me, like I expected to be judged or mocked and so I made a point of being different and brazen about it.

Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I'm more afraid to put myself out there and be brazen. I've noticed that I still smile at people I don't know, but now I look away before I can see whether they smile back or snob me out. It's a habit I want and need to break, for my own peace of mind. It's hard, though. It took root when I wasn't looking and now is deeply embedded.

It's not that I'm horribly depressed about it. Like anything, I've gained as much as I've lost over the years. I've shed a lot of the "damn it" mask over the years and grown more comfortable in my skin in some ways, just as I've become less so in other ways. Pluses and minuses, checks and balances. That's just life.

But those little things, that ability to pay a stranger a genuine compliment, to express interest without being scared, is something I'd like to get back.

As for other men falling into glancing orbits around me, there's the manager or head merchandiser or whatever he is at the Shopper's on the corner. We had exchanged a word or two here or there and then all of a sudden, he's gotten all friendly and he always smiles when he sees me and we chat a little bit. I have not idea if he knows the endless, lewd things I want to do to him. Is he nice because he doesn't know? Or because he does? I've never been subtle in my interest in men. At least I don't think I have. It's that minefield of not knowing what to say or do next, because my judgement is so often terrible when I'm attracted to someone. So, I just say hello and make small talk.

I wonder if I seem confident and so men wait for me to make the first move?

There's one other one too. I saw him in my neighbourhood a couple of weeks ago and we smiled and said hello. There was definite spark there and I actually felt it from him. Then I saw him at the Second Cup during writing group and we exchanged a few sentences of greeting. And as he left, he made a point of turning to catch my eye and say goodbye. Again, I should have seized the opportunity to get up and say something and get a number or give mine or something. It's not like Colleen or D.J, wouldn't have urged me on. So, I'll wait for another chance meeting and plan to jump at the chance.

I might even take it this time 

The new paintings

Did these as birthday gifts for friends:

This one was for mason5280   Took the colour palette from his native Colorado: Blue for skies, white for snow and brown for the mountains



This one was for giamedin    Bright red at the base, then ox-blood red over it, then burnt umber and silver on top.

The new paintings

Did these as birthday gifts for friends:

This one was for mason5280   Took the colour palette from his native Colorado: Blue for skies, white for snow and brown for the mountains



This one was for giamedin    Bright red at the base, then ox-blood red over it, then burnt umber and silver on top.