Of boys and bygones

[chronicpaint]

On Friday, I had to stop at the art supply store to pick up some canvases to do paintings for two birthday gifts (pictures later) and when I was waiting for the streetcar to come home, there was this guy waiting for the streetcar. About my height, bit of a belly, with these amazing auburn muttonchops sideburns (I'm almost as much of a sideburn slut as I am a goatee slut)  He also had these beautiful blue eyes. He looked like some straight, young artsy type. He might have looked at me and smiled, I'm not sure, He also had the most amazing camera bag, Black with big patches of leopard print on it. I almost said something to him about it because it was so awesome. But I didn't.  And when he got off at University, I thought I saw him sideways glance at me.

Once upon a time, I would have been bolder about saying something to him. The old me was the type that left his number for hot waiters in restaurants. My friend, Gordon, would say it was part of the "damn it" mask I so often wore. As in "yes, I'm gay, damn it, so what?"  "Yes, I dress different, damn it, what about it?"  I had this shield about me, like I expected to be judged or mocked and so I made a point of being different and brazen about it.

Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I'm more afraid to put myself out there and be brazen. I've noticed that I still smile at people I don't know, but now I look away before I can see whether they smile back or snob me out. It's a habit I want and need to break, for my own peace of mind. It's hard, though. It took root when I wasn't looking and now is deeply embedded.

It's not that I'm horribly depressed about it. Like anything, I've gained as much as I've lost over the years. I've shed a lot of the "damn it" mask over the years and grown more comfortable in my skin in some ways, just as I've become less so in other ways. Pluses and minuses, checks and balances. That's just life.

But those little things, that ability to pay a stranger a genuine compliment, to express interest without being scared, is something I'd like to get back.

As for other men falling into glancing orbits around me, there's the manager or head merchandiser or whatever he is at the Shopper's on the corner. We had exchanged a word or two here or there and then all of a sudden, he's gotten all friendly and he always smiles when he sees me and we chat a little bit. I have not idea if he knows the endless, lewd things I want to do to him. Is he nice because he doesn't know? Or because he does? I've never been subtle in my interest in men. At least I don't think I have. It's that minefield of not knowing what to say or do next, because my judgement is so often terrible when I'm attracted to someone. So, I just say hello and make small talk.

I wonder if I seem confident and so men wait for me to make the first move?

There's one other one too. I saw him in my neighbourhood a couple of weeks ago and we smiled and said hello. There was definite spark there and I actually felt it from him. Then I saw him at the Second Cup during writing group and we exchanged a few sentences of greeting. And as he left, he made a point of turning to catch my eye and say goodbye. Again, I should have seized the opportunity to get up and say something and get a number or give mine or something. It's not like Colleen or D.J, wouldn't have urged me on. So, I'll wait for another chance meeting and plan to jump at the chance.

I might even take it this time 

Comments

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

For straight people, at least, it was in some ways easier in high school: you could ask someone to casually ask someone else who was friends with the one you liked, is she going with someone? What does he think of me? Of course, pretty much everything else was more difficult (I was going to say "harder," but, well...) in high school, even for straight kids.

These days, at least among my daughter's (18, senior) friends, the kids still do that--and there are even some out gay, lesbian, and bi kids (maybe trans, too, but she hasn't mentioned any) who might ask a friend to ask a friend if they know...

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I just don't see myself that way. I can't imagine anyone standing across the room looking at me and thinking "I wish he'd talk to me"

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

She can't imagine that, either. You saw my LJ entry with her senior picture.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Isn't it odd and sad how distorted our self images are?

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if you come across as self-confident, they probably do wait for you to make the first move. That happens to my (aforementioned) daughter a lot. She doesn't think she's attractive and hasn't much self-confidence, but she presents as being quite together and confident, and I think that high school boys just don't have the nerve to ask her out.

[neo-prodigy.livejournal.com]

Maybe there's a reason you're being hesitant. Sometimes our instincts protect us for reasons we may not always understand.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I have an amazing track record of trying in the situations where I shouldn't and not trying when I should. Almost completely opposite to what should work

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I don't think I was ever good at talking to guys I didn't know but were attracted to (which makes me wonder hot the hell I ever met Paul...) I've been hanging out at John Alexander's Sci Fi Friday for about a year and a half and I still feel a little hesitant about people.

You know, it probably doesn't help that during the last week I did a sort of "cold winter weather crawl in". Went out on Monday night (C.E. board meeting) and then nothing until Saturday.

You know, maybe we should practice smiling at each other...

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

We can have webcam smile tutorials

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Have to push myself over that hump

[earthmonkey69.livejournal.com]

But those little things, that ability to pay a stranger a genuine compliment, to express interest without being scared, is something I'd like to get back.

when you find out how, let me know....

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Will do. I think it's just a matter of saying, what the fuck and doing it

[bdouville.livejournal.com]

Carpe juvenem.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Oh sure, throw my own words back at me ;)

[bdouville.livejournal.com]

Well, the words were on my mind. I incorporated them into my most recent post. :)

[tweekedcat.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I'm more afraid to put myself out there and be brazen.

I so know what you mean. This is something I was thinking about just recently -- even though I'm in a good relationship (perhaps in part because I'm in a good relationship), in the week or so before my two recent performances on stage I caught myself wondering if I've still "got It" -- the freaky boldness that used to accompany me whenever I had a performance. The attitude that led me to do things like leave my phone number in the tip jar of a really hot guitar player & actually ask a guy, "I feel like doing something stupid -- are you something stupid?" It's not that I'm looking to pick anyone up -- I just realized that I no longer look around a room and realize that I could.

Sometimes I think it's a matter of being a contrarian. The more the world tries to convince me that I suck and people are horrible, the more determined I get to prove the world wrong. And I can think of no better way to assert one's own awesomeness than giving a random attractive stranger a bold "How YOU doin'?" in one way or another.

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's that willingness to put yourself out there, right or wrong. I kinda miss it, though it rarely ever worked in my favour!

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I sometimes feel the same way, needing to take the plunge, but it has happened, this past year in fact. Sometimes it takes leaving a nice compliment on a person's profile in a dating site, such as Bear411 and go from there.

One of the fellows I met, I met because we kept running into each other every now and then coming or going from work, usually me leaving or heading to the truck, he walking to work for he works downtown, not too far from were we both live. many months of flirts later, we finally introduce each other and met up at a gay bar for beers one Friday back in May.

Been cruised, done the cruise and have met both men that way, one of which I dated for a month, the other, never got the chance even though we kept meeting up at the grocery store for about a year.

I do have pretty good gaydar and I find that helps, but I have moments where my reserved side takes over...

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

See, that's the problem, my gaydar is terrible!!!

[monkeyman.livejournal.com]

It's not like we won't always urge you on. :)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

I'm more concerned about the mockery and catcalls that would ensue if I tried to go talk to him. ;)

[monkeyman.livejournal.com]

Aww ... but we'd only do that when he couldn't hear ... ;)

[chronicpaint.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Right ;)