Life has been nice and quiet and mellow. No men, which is all right. But work is good and challenging in new ways.
And my novel, Chasing Cold, is finally coming out. In April. Hardcover, Trade paper, Kindle, Nook and Kobo.
Having a launch party on the fourteenth of April if you're going to be in the Toronto area.
Hmmm. There are a couple of things that, I think, would upgrade things to great.
I would like some more solidity to the plans for the novel. It's all a bit hazy right now and I'd like to nail some things down. It would make it all feel more real to me, like I've actually accomplished something that's been on my list for a very long time.
I'd like to be in a good relationship with someone who gets me, someone I can relate to and who's willing to give it a go and actually tell me so. Sometimes, it's a pain being the single one amongst a cabal of couples. They do things with each other, because that dynamic is familiar to them. I miss having a confidante, a playmate, a partner in metaphorical crime.
And I wish I could find a fantastic apartment in my neighbourhood that I could afford on my own. I have a great apartment, but I can't afford it without a roommate. I'd kind of like to live alone again, but I won't make the change unless something fantastic shows up.
I'd like to be out of debt. I'm almost there, but all the while it's hanging over me, the possibility of losing control of it again.
I think my "doing well" is actually pretty close to "doing great" I'm just hesitant to tempt fate and describe things in too glowing terms. Smells too much like hubris
I am doing well. My oncologist graduated me a couple of weeks ago. I don't have to go back to see him any more. I guess I'm officially cured as far as he's concerned. Which feels pretty damned good.
My life has been very ordinary, which is, in part, why I don't post all that much. I feel like I'm pretty dull these days. I work, I go home and eat and watch TV and chat with boys and date sometimes. I hang out with friends. It all feels very run of the mill and I like that. After so much time in high drama and chaos, and then dealing with all the aftermath of high drama and chaos, it's good to feel boring. To feel ordinary.
I'm working on a new novel, just finished a first chapter and have an outline. Slow going, but I remind myself that the last one was the same way. Took a long time to find the groove, but when I did, it just flew out of me. I'm assuming that will happen again, if I clear the way and let it happen.
So, yeah. I'm doing well
I think it... brought me into focus, for want of a better term. I'm realizing I was probably always strong, I just never realized it until I had to.
It made me appreciate my life more, inhabit it more. I've always been pretty determined to live in the moments of my life, to be glad of what I have and not worry too much about what I don't have. But I'm much more committed, I think.
I think I'm brave, less worried about what people think or of being rejected. I'm more willing to be myself
But I think it's also made me harder, less accessible. I have much less patience with people whose problems seem minor in comparison. It's something I'm working on
I honestly never know how to answer "what's your favourite____?" questions. There are always so many ______s that I like for different reasons. I can give you some things that stand out. That I remember even now after so many years and my chemobrain addled memories.
The red vinyl interior of the car I rode in to my oldest sister's first wedding when I was 3. The sailor suit I wore.
Going skating with a friend of my middle sister, I have no idea why. The little red matchbox VW she bought me.
The Batmobile I got for a birthday.
The time the youngest of my three sisters startled our beagle, Gus, out of a sleep and he bit her nose.
My red bike with the sparkly banana seat.
How my parents would never let me see the closing credits for Star Trek, because they were sure one of the alien faces would terrify me. And how it had no effect at all when I finally saw it.
The holidays were quiet. Christmas Eve and Day were spent watching movies and eating with torontomame. New Year's Eve was spent alone with the Tales of the City miniseries. I have very little patience or energy for hoopla any more.
I managed to get my bedroom orderly and tidy again and have maintained it since, which is the hard part. Living room is tidy as well. Found a store bought slipcover for my ratty old Ikea couch (structure is sound and it's the perfect length and comfort for someone to sleep on, but the fabric was shot. Looks really good now and makes the living room nice and cozy. I'm working on keeping my home ordered and comfortable. Next project is my studio. I need to get it organized so I feel more comfortable and at ease working. Need to get back to painting.
Had a lovely dinner with eric_mathgeek and mark_shutterbug . First time meeting them both, but it felt like we'd known each other forever. They're the kind of people I wish I lived closer to.
Still no news on my contract for Chasing Cold, so I'm not overly optimistic it will make it to the shelves this year, but still, I'm not overly worried. It will get there, this much I know.
Been working on next project, brainstorming ideas and characters and settings. It worked super well on the last novel, so I'm sticking with it. Have a first line and have a last paragraph and as of this week, I have the big, broad strokes of the plot. I know the hero's journey and an outline of how he gets there. Now, I just need to write the damn thing.
Love life is pretty much the same. Possibilities show up, then either remove themselves from the running or are removed for whatever reason. Sometimes, there's some "whack, bang, wiggle, wiggle" but I'm back in the "if it's not going to be really worth it, I won't bother"
Goals/resolutions for this year:
1. Paint more
2. Finish novel
3. Find "the" guy. Which, I know, is on the list pretty much every year, but one must keep hope alive. **Wow, I just typoed hole for hope. Nothing Freudian there, unh uh**
I wish you happiness and joy for the New Year, and the strength and peace of mind to face the stuff that will come in between those two things.
He just changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship"
I cannot count the number of times this has happened to me. Seriously, I should advertise. "Go on a date with me and within two weeks, you'll be in a relationship with someone else. GUARANTEED!"
It's a pain in my arse sometimes being the singleton in a sea of couples. Maybe I'm a third wheel. Maybe a good looking single friend is a threat. Maybe they just like the symmetry of hanging with other couples. And it gets worse as the other singletons hook up and fall away and suddenly have no time for anything but the new person in their lives.
I've fallen into this pattern of busy weeks, and then barren weekends where I socialize with no one but my roommate. Briefly. And it's the weekends that I feel the gap most of all. Cue random female vocalist singing "Sunday Kind of Love" I'm sure I've said before that one of my romantic dream goal aspiration thingies is the sitting in bed naked with a guy on Sunday morning, drinking coffee and reading the paper.
Marriedman (who, I reiterate, is no longer married. Or, for that matter, dating anyone) drifted back into my life. I saw him on 411 and he looked so centred and relaxed and comfortable in his own skin, I had to reach out and say hi. We chatted a bit and made a date to get together. The sex was fantastic. He's a committed bottom now, which worked out very well. Very, very well, indeed. We've been chatting and sexting back and forth but haven't connected again. Before Priscilla last week, I ran into him at the Bay and got all tingly inside. Met a friend he was with.
I realized there's a distinction in my mind. Men fall into two groups: Could and Would. I meet guys all the time that I could be in a relationship with. All I'd have to do would be to say yes. Then, there's the very few that I would be in a relationship with. One is a guy I've been friends with for a couple of years. The other is Marriedman. There's just something there. Something that makes me want to pursue it; makes me think he's someone I would follow through with.
And after running into him, he was busy all weekend and I felt a bit of pulling away. Like maybe he wants the hot nookie but nothing else.
Anyone know any good, single men who aren't broken inside?? "Life's too short, babe. Time is flyin'. I'm lookin' for baggage that goes with mine"
Priscilla was an astonishing amount of fun. The accents were iffy and the show skates over some of the darker moments of the source film, but the staging is amazing. Every time I wondered "How are they going to do the.....", they pulled it off. There's a bus on stage. It rotates 360 degrees and one side opens up. And it's covered in LEDs so it actually turns pink when the characters paint it. The divas hang suspended from wires and in the scene where Felicia performs the aria on the giant shoe, the bus pushed forward and the shoe extends on a boom far out over the audience. Just amazing. Good choices of new music too. We were lucky too. The night we were there, the actor playing Bernadette made a speech after the finale about the It Gets Better project and the cast performed the finale again for their video. Left the theatre on a total high.
And so, we begin the Ford era here in Toronto, anyone with a progressive, compassionate bone in their body, weeping at the prospect of our new mayor. *sigh*
Not a lot to report otherwise. Been feeling low. My debt crept back up again. ("Hey, look at this great deal on new cookware! and $40 dollars off a Cuisinart Griller?? I'll take it!!!") *sigh* And then there's Season Two Dollhouse, Season One Bionic Woman, Season Five Doctor Who, etc. *double sigh*
And since the emails from the publisher, there's been no further movement on that front. I know they just launched another book and they're in the midst of their Fifth Anniversary celebration. I'm just impatient. Good thing I'm pretty, eh??
I have set up a Facebook fan page, so if any of you are on FB and haven't "liked" it yet, please do. I can always use the support.
And, I've also set up a writing blog over at Wordpress (wanted some separation from here) It will solely be for stuff related to writing and, to a lesser extent, painting; a more public facing page. So, no penis pics there, or descriptions of my lusty trysts, or deep, personal angst, but it may be of interest to you. And it also feeds to the fan page, so if you follow that, you'll see the content over there.
I have been reading, my darlings. Just going through some "What am I doing here??? Do I matter???" angst which is monumentally dull when you're living it, so it must be doubly so to read it.
But I'm well. The sun is shining and I feel all right. Hugs n licks n pokes and stuff
The coffee date was pretty beige, but I was willing to give a second meeting a shot to see if maybe he was just quiet. But this morning, he sent the "Sorry, no chemistry" email. I resisted the temptation to say, "yeah, me too" because I figured it would sound a little pathetic and "You didn't break up with me, I broke up with YOU!" But he gets points for honesty and I was pretty much feeling the same.
Had a really nice celebratory dinner with my sister, Sue and her husband, who were in town for a conference.
And I'm thinking I'm going to need an author website soon.
I met him on Bear 411 a year or so ago, and we had some good chats. He lived out of town but close and we never actually managed to connect in the real world. I saw a new profile that I wasn't sure was him and he was saying he was looking for a new place to move back to the city. Well, I sent him the details and it turned out to be him. Within the week, he drove in to see the place and we hit it off. He says it reminds him of his favourite place he lived in when he was in Toronto before. And he needs it at exactly the right time, October 1st. Kind of perfect serendipity.
Then of course, the news about the publication of my novel.
And yesterday, while I was getting groceries, I saw this incredibly beautiful black man. He was tall and strapping, built like the proverbial brick shithouse. I had to get past him, and I smiled as I did, kind of looking away before I could really see if he smiled back (which is a terrible habit I've gotten into. Comes from years of getting nothing or hostility back) But I sort of caught a nice, friendly smile coming back. I saw him a few more times around the store, not really thinking about it in that, "he's so incredibly out of my league" kind of way. Saw him again while at the checkout, in another lane and we exchanged another smile. As I was leaving the store, I looked around, maybe hoping he'd be there, waiting to talk to me. He wasn't and I didn't think anything more about it. Then, about an hour or so after I get home, I get a message on 411 from a guy I chatted with a while back, but nothing ever came of it. It was him. He recognized me and had, and I quote "been checking me out" Turns out he thinks my pics don't do me justice and that I'm as handsome as I find him. Which is just odd to me. Because he's magazine cover gorgeous.
We're having coffee later this afternoon.
Too much good fortune. I'm expecting the lightning strike or the plague of locusts any second.
Off topic, I suppose I'm going to need a website, aren't I?